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Monthly Look Back...

This March, I have discovered that I like to be in control. It's not particularly a brand new realisation; I vaguely knew it before. Many a group project has suggested that I like to know what's going on just a little bit too much. For example, two years ago in English we  had to give a presentation in front of the class in groups that the teacher had picked. I was in a group with a girl I kind of knew and a boy that we will refer to as 'cod fish' (because he looks like a cod fish. Is that mean?) Cod fish was ridiculously annoying and kept deleting slides that were actually good. So I made back up copies of the original presentation and handed them in instead. That all sounds petty, but I assure you that it came from a place of wanting to know what was happening and not making a fool of myself in front of a very rude group of twelve year olds. Apparently, however, that fiasco wasn't enough for me to know that I like to be in control.

I had work experience, right at the beginning of the month. Not being in school made me feel like I was living my life in the way that I wanted to. I like school but the freedom felt so good! You can't do work ex as someone who's self employed (the point is that you get to be a part of office life) but I did it as part of my dance studio. The hours that I was working most days were 3.30-10 pm so whilst most people were snapchatting about how much they hated their boss, I was still in bed! Being home alone all day gave me a big feeling of independence. I made my own food, ran my own schedule and could binge watch Gossip Girl with no complaints! 

As well as that, I meet all of my nine to five friends and grab lunch with them. I felt like a socialite! A really poor one, but a socialite none the less! Living on my own clock and basking in my on authority was insanely good for me. I wasn't stressed or sad and I actually felt like I was living and not just floating along. That was so great... making me consider being self employed. Being a freelance author or journalist has always sounded really cool and now the appeal has just been upped by one thousand. Even if I do end up working in an office, I'd at least like to live alone!

Another thing that I've had some weird encounters with this month are boys. But this is me, so they were all just awkward and absolutely embarrassing! Firstly I decided that, as the pilot of my own life, I would attempt to fly my way out of the friend zone. There's this boy who stands by locker every day waiting for his friend at the locker next to me and I've always thought he's really cool! I texted him to say I'd want to start 'talking' (high school relationships are so weird). A bit of unexpected turbulence popped up due to the fact that he told me he already has a girlfriend. However, instead of letting that make me look like an utter freak, I attempted to regain some control in the situation by wishing him luck with the other girl! Maybe that wasn't the best save- there's no maybe about it because it doesn't even class as a 'save'!- but it did make me seem less stressed, which was something, at least!

My experiences don't just stop there! No, no, no, I was on fire this March! Somebody asked me on a date. Obviously the decision to go was mine, meaning I gained total power in the situation. The offer was sweet (etc. etc.) but I found the situation immensly cringe. I can't deal with things like that! His feelings were, unfortunately for him, not reciprocated by me and matters were made worse by him offering to pay. I'm quite a proud person, so actually got a bit offended by the fact that he didn't think that I'd be okay with supporting myself. I then proceeded to tell him that 'I'm an independent woman' and I pay for myself! It wasn't the right reaction to what was going on but I stand by it. I was in full of management of that moment and ran with my inner 'Destiny's Child'! 

I also made a huge checklist! It had about twenty things on it, which ranged from my further maths homework to heading into IKEA. I ended up finding that list too cluttered so went with my system of choosing what to do daily. Then I realised that I was forgetting what needed to get done, so made yet another list! It's in three sections and is proving it's worth. Once I've finished writing this, I'll be able to put a little cross in the box next to it. The feelings of getting things done gives me ultimate satisfaction. It's quite soothing to know that I'm on top of everything and procrastination isn't winning! Honestly, I am the most awful procrastinator. I need to have everything prepared for myself, otherwise there's a sizeable chance that I won't find the motivation to get it done.

Regardless of that, I feel like I've got a lot done this month. I love feeling accomplished, which comes with flying my own plane (sticking by that metaphor!) I've been on top of what's going on, and that has changed my look on things. It's taken me near enough to 15 years to understand that I crave freedom. I've always tethered myself to people; I felt like I needed someone else to live alongside. Now, I know that I prefer having my own choice and choosing things alone. With another 15 years, hopefully I'll have the independence that I need to do that x

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